Tuesday, July 31, 2007

tues day

The sun looked like a moon. I looked at it without squinting. Then, I thought I looked at it, without squinting. Then I looked at it, but the train came and blocked it before I could see if I would squint.

Two women were cycling on different sides of me. They were both talking and there was noise and people but they heard each other because they were listening.

A Jewish lady said hi to me today.

Does eating hurt, ow

i think i might've lost me mind:)


"2 + 2 = 5"


Are you such a dreamer
To put the world to rights
I'll stay home forever
Where two and two always makes a five
I'll lay down the tracks
Sandbag and hide
January has April showers
And two and two always makes a five
It's the devil's way now
There is no way out
You can scream and you can shout
It is too late now
Because you're not there
Payin' attention
Payin' attention
Payin' attention
Payin' attention
yeah I feel it, I needed attention
Payin' attention
Payin' attention
Payin' attention
Yeah I need it, I needed attention
I needed attention
I needed attention
I needed attention
Yeah I love it, the attention
Payin' attention
Payin' attention
Payin' attention
Soon oh
I try to sing along
But the music's all wrong
Cos I'm not
Cos I'm not
I'll swallow up flies?
Back and hide
But I'm not
Oh hail to the thief
Oh hail to the thief
But I'm not
But I'm not
But I'm not
But I'm not
Don't question my authority or put me in the box
Cos I'm not
Cos I'm not
Oh go up to the king, and the sky is falling in
But it's not
But it's not
Maybe not
Maybe not

Uf gozal.

The book I am meant to be quoting is floating along the sandy beach, wet pages being turned by musical waves singing...
Uf gozal
chatoch et haShamayim
tus le'an she'bah lechah. shebashebalecha...:)

Some things just have to wait in line to be quoted. For now, know that there are 800 million axons in your body.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

i am tired and sandy and have so much to say but it'll all have to wait till tomorrow. g'night lucky sleeperheads

(pretty, but also scratchy and itchy like my brain)

"When you go through life, whatever be your goal
keep your eye upon the donut, and not upon the hole."

Friday, July 27, 2007

and Peace.


gut shabbos.

to Adam of Gopnik


Last bit of response to Mr. Ravioli...

New Yorkers cannot rewind time. The also cannot keep up with their world and live in technological darkness a the same time. But this is no reason to sacrifice their core humanity and negate themselves by deprivation of emotional interaction and closure of thought.

Preceding all ideas for compromise and change in this area must come an awareness. An awareness of the human need, an awareness of the society and lifestyle that deprives that; an awareness that settling for an incomplete life is settling for no life at all. With this awareness ever present, practical changes can occur. Attempting technological doses in smaller measures, and making time for what is important are a start. Shutting off the cellphone, replacing an email with an actual meeting, and coming to a definite decision at the end of that meeting are all beginnings to a middle path of sanity. But above all, New Yorkers must want that sanity. They must realize that settling for "Mr. Raviolilike" moments, creates a big bubble of nothingess, which they are trying to call life.

a Virtuous Cycle

Just so that it's not always vicious.

Song~ The Swan by Jascha Silberstein
News is good on in the update on graftings and bones and hips and hands, Thank G-d!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

and health and wealth and happinesses sweet.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Ladaladeeda



Play it louder. louder. LOUDER!
”However baby man may brag of his science and skill, and however much, in a flattering future, that science and skill may augment; yet for ever and for ever, to the crack of doom, the sea will insult and murder him, and pulverize the stateliest, stiffest frigate he can make.”
Herman Melville (1819-1891)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

...talk to the sea

"Talk to the sea; it's great therapy. And everything tastes like tears afterwards- your fingers, your clothes- so you don't feel so alone, if you know what I mean."

And that is why, I love my friends like I do.
"At least they coulda lied! A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect!"

Monday, July 23, 2007

In the olden days of Spring '07...

"What has it become, this metal piece of technology? Is it a luxury, added to our lives to make living easier and more convenient? Or has it suddenly latched onto us, a parasite, a little robot that we must answer to at each moment?

This is not the end. The thought that technology might be at its peak and will not continue to advance is nonsense. Our only hope is to try and take control, not of technology, but of ourselves. Examine that slim slab of silver, black or pink, and be truthful about its place in your life. Is it a help, or is it slowly taking you over?"

What is the matter with me, that every time I'm asked to write anything, I feel the need to go on a full blown rampage...Je suis sérieusement suis dérangé

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Kids are not short adults.

blue sky love

I missed the fishing contest. I had to get 10 ppl and register in advance so an hour earlier wouldn't have really saved me much. Navy knit dresses are nice too. smile NOW :')

shluff gut


There's a calm surrender to the rush of day
When the heat of the rolling world can be turned away
An enchanted moment, and it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior just to be with you

And can you feel the love tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the love tonight
How it's laid to rest
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best

There's a time for everyone if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn
There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours

Friday, July 20, 2007

Learning to learn

learning to love and learning to sing and learning to share and learning to smile and learning to laugh and learning to speak and learning to hear and learning to see and learning to know and learning to breathe and learning to sigh and learning to live.

(and the song meant to be posted was Elton John~I guess that's why they call it the Blues.)
Good Shabbos!
It's funny how when music follows your life, expression comes so much easier. It's as if I can trace the pattern of my joy, insight, fear, sadness, pain, relief, recognition, resignation, love... bursting smiles, laughter, silence, tears... I can track me with music, which allows me to embrace all of those things.

joni mitchell~ The Circle Game

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, when you're older, must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
Were captive on the carousel of time
We cant return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him,
Take your time, it wont be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
Were captive on the carousel of time
We cant return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
Therell be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
Were captive on the carousel of time
We cant return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Isaac Asimov

"I'm on fire to explain, and happiest when it's something reasonably intricate which I can make clear step by step. It's the easiest way I can clarify things in my own mind."

writing & passion for truth

...and if my metaphors in the lines above have gotten too rich and too mixed it is probably because my passions have heated up in this hunt for the truth. Samuel Johnson says not to worry since truth will take care of itself and poor writing will sink from view.

Donald M. Hassler

confidence in the Now

Trusting in the One Above doesn’t mean waiting for miracles.

It means having confidence in what you are doing right now --because you know He has put you on the right path and will fill whatever you do with divine energy and blessing from on high.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

You know the feeling of knowing that you'll be able to move on and eventually let go regardless of the pain in the present? Knowing that what's eating at you day and night now, will one day dissipate? I feel that just that belief- knowing that things will be OK- is more painful than all the pain that is right now.

Half of the time we're gone


and we don't know where...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Meet Prof.

on opinions that turn to facts, Jews have no mechanical or electrical skills at all- it's the fault of our race. Rhinoplasti were invented by the rhinos in Africa.

on BioPsych, When we wake, our brains are being fed by our livers. mmmmm.

on life, The world to come is waiting for you.

on love, When you fall in love, your heart will go boom or something.

and most importantly, Is the moon really made of green cheese?

Monday, July 16, 2007

Maybe I'm a potato :)

Mr. Ravioli

by Adam Gopnik
The New Yorker, Sept. 30, 2002

I tried to get the link, but the article is not fully available on their site. This is such a wonderful and enlightening essay. The author introduces us to his daughter and her imaginary friend Mr. Ravioli who has no time to play or chat... and these are random peices that made me happy.

"Knowing something's made up while thinking that it matters is what all fiction insists on."

"Constant, exhausting, no-time-to-meet-your-friends Charlie Ravioli-style busyness arrived as an affliction in modern life long after the other partss of bourgeois city manners did. Business long predates busyness. In the seventeenth and eighteenth centruies, when bourgeois people were building the institutions of bourgeois life, they seem never to have complained that they were too busy--or, if they did, they left no record of it. Samuel Pepys, who had a Navy to refloat and a burned London to rebuild, often uses the word "busy" but never complains of busyness. For him, the word "busy" is a synonym for "happy," not for "stressed." Not once in his diary does Pepys cancel lunch or struggle to fit someone in for coffee at four-thirty. Pepys works, makes love, and goes to bed, but he does not bump and he does not have to run. Ben Franklin, a half century later, boasts of his industriousness, but he, too, never complains about being busy, and always has time to publish a newspaper orf come up with a maxim or swim the ocean or invent the lighting rod...

"Here two grids of busyness remain dominant: twenty-first-century grid of bump and run, and the late-twentieth- and early-twenty-first-century postmodern grid of virtual call and echo. Busyness is felt so intently here because we are both crowded and overloaded. We exit the apartment into a still dense nineteenth century grid of street corners and restaurants full of ppeople and come home to the late-twentieth-century grid of faxes adn emails and overwhelming incompleteness...

"The crowding of our space has been reinforced by a crowding of our time, and the only way to protect ourselves is to build structures of perpetual deferral: I'll lsee you next week, let's talk soon. We build rhetorical baffles around our lives to keep the crowding out, only to find that we have let nobody we love in..."

The ending flips around and bothers me a lot. More later.

smilin along

...and it's getting betta awll the time.
Seems like just as soon as you've started to regain footing on this shaky world, G-d has this wonderful way of knocking you right off your feet again. Not in a bad terrorizing way; just in a way.

mornin!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

gosh, sometimes I just learn so slowly.

that a sudden rush of positivity does not necessarily imply negativity in the past. so wonderfully comforting:)

Happy happy happy!!!

aaaand then it just hits you! the joy, the purity, the music... sheer depth and brilliance.
maybe one day I'll learn what it is that I've done once to have the privelege of living so unbelievably. or I won't. that's the beauty.

it's crazy, that feeling of just kicking back, remembering that you really do know how to live in a way that is out of reach for so many. Baruch Hashem Elokeinu for the wisdom, the happiness, the love and the people in this journey we call life.
Sadness and desperation has led me to this:
How can I rid myself of this new nightmare called bestmanage.org if spyware, adware, mcafee and indian dell ppl cannot help? Quick, before I smash my screen and cry and cry and cry.

Since when do actual people still use AIM as a means of communication... weirdest most horrible realization that the fact remains that it is indeed so, and god willing I will forget I've ever rediscovered that fact. mmm, complicated way of saying I promise to never sign on again, bli neider:')

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Miss Potter

"I feel I love my heart more now, because that is where I can find you." Norman Warne

It's the story of a modern woman, plonked into the middle of Victorian England. It's about a lot of things; it's about life.

Ahhhhh, and family is the best big shoulder to lean on, if not for me being understood and appreciated, then my simply to be able to shower all the love inside of me on them. To be able to express that and have it accepted so readily, is more precious and more comforting than most anything I know.

Other people.

Operation successful... so they say:)baruch hashem, baruch hashem, baruch hashem. yay, baruch hashem!!!

I'm quite sure I don't stand alone in feeling quite alien amongst our larger society and even closer circle of people that I know. I've finally been struck with the blessing of knowing that at this point, with all the struggles that I have in my heart and all the ideas and thoughts racing about my mind, they can be fully understood by only one person: myself. That's not to say that there are no people who give advice, share sympathies, support and love. But what of the need for people who will do that and also relate and understand, stimulate and challenge the thoughts and ideas which make up who I am? These people do exist and I'm lucky to have more than one such person in my life. But for those who do not-

I think it is possible to derive real (if not ideal) comfort from simple human touch, even if that human shoulder I'm crying on belongs to a person who does not feel my plight (ew, bad word) at all. I think it takes a strength and acceptance of self and the other person's weakness. I think it is possible.
My latest obssession has been my writing, or better, the lack of my ability to express myself properly in words. I think that my whole thought process has been affected by giving into this inability, by never writing down my thoughts, and thus always inching away from ever having to really formulate them fully at all. I want to rid myself of that. My writing is airy and full of holes. I want to challenge myself to write regardless. If I'm lucky, I might really improve my writing. If I'm luckier, maybe I will eventually move on to be able to fully formulate my ideas and express them.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

cracked(pun intended)

After covering the basic street drugs and their specific effects, one bright classmate raises her hand to ask,
"Prof., but what's that drug where you tie a rubberband around your arm and then stick a needle in?"
"What?! It's any drug that you inject!"
"No, that I know. But what's that drug where you tie a rubberband and then you stick a needle in???"

uh, ye, hokey.

Mendelssohn Violin Concerto, Janine Jansen 1-4

Monday, July 9, 2007

Teach your parents well



Teach Your Children
Crosby Stills Nash & Young

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.

Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

Why my friends don't go to school

Working for a living is good. It's the anxiety over making a living that is not good.Don't let your inner self get involved in your business. That inner self must be preserved for fulfilling your purpose in life. Making lots of money is not your purpose in life.

mmm, who, me?

Sunday, July 8, 2007

the Joy!

I can feel the nervousness rushing through the blood just beneath my skin and I see the music the voices and all the life there is out there which both frightens and makes me sit up brighter with black eyes looking up hopeful and wide they are happy head falling to the side and lips parted just a bit looking bright eyed and tearful lying scared looking up forward eyes closing imagine all the life coming towards me the choice the lack of it big dark ivory opportunity warm and inviting it chases me backwards I reach out fingers to stop the noise smashing at my eyes I remain for the joy that I find in the music which is life

unFragile love

Love is so powerful precisely because it exposes the fact that at the core of our humanity, we are fragile and vulnerable, and we need each other. When you come to terms with this fragility, that's when you are free to love. A. Moss

Anna

There's this awesome pic of a little dressed up girl, screaming screaming, with her little hands stretched out, and it's sitting right in front of me, but I'm too lazy to try and post. It's alright. I'm enough of the picture. up, smiling and yelling in frustration. 'Mornin:')

Also, the shock still keeps me up at night, living now armed with the horrific knowledge that i've been breathing all these months completely unaware that Anna dies. She's been dead and to me she's been alive and all this sudden death is disorienting...

Or well.

"Why was it that they could never shout like that about anything that mattered??!"

Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.

my sanity.

"Being in a minority, even a minority of one, did not make you mad. There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad."

Friday, July 6, 2007

happy Shabbat!

Hands.

by Jean Sprackland

She peels cod fillets off the slab,
dips them in batter, drops them
one by one into the storm of hot fat.
I watch her scrubbed hands,
elegant at the work,

and think of the hands of the midwife
stroking wet hair from my face as I sobbed and cursed,
callin me sweetheart and wheeling in more gas,
hauling out at last my slippery fish of a son.
He was all silence and milky blue. She took him away
and brought him back breathing,
wrapped in a white sheet. By then
I loved her like my own mother.

I stand here speechless in the steam and banter,
as she makes hospital corners of my hot paper parcel.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Sweetbreads are not brain,

they're pancreas :')